March 12, 2019 - Day 365

Honey, I can't believe that today is 1 year since I found you on the back porch, face down, not breathing, otherwise you looked like you were sleeping. But you weren't sleeping, you were dead. It's been a rough year and I have had many ups and downs but it feels like mostly downs. I am proud that this day also makes me realize that I am a strong woman, a survivor, and a better child of God. I have more faith now than I ever had before you were gone. I just took so much for granite! I have to read the bible to figure out the answers to questions I have and usually there is no for sure answer, I just have to make it work for my needs at the moment. I really do not understand how people get through grief and the loss of a loved one but especially a spouse and best friend. That's why I write you these love letters. I feel connected to you because I'm talking directly to you because I know you are living your eternal life in heaven. So it's like you've gone on a very long trip and I write letters to you while you are away. It's way more personal then journaling which I would have only lasted a week or so doing that.

So this morning I woke up asking Jesus to stand by me today and give me strength and to be strong. I will cry if I need to but I really just want to focus on work and get through the day. I thank God everyday for the 24 years he gave to us and let us be together and for the 3rd time in marriage, I finally made the correct choice and found you, my soul mate. Today was a good day for me, no tears, but I thought of you constantly. I texted Kori, Blake, and Ryan this morning to let them know i was thinking of them and I asked God to give them strength through today also. I want God to let these three adults know that their dad and step-dad loved them equally! He loved them as any other man would love his children and that he was always trying to help them if he could and if they needed him to. I also texted that I would not call until Wednesday so hopefully no tears would be shed over the phone. Blake was quick and said "I love y'all with all my heart".  Ryan also just responded "I love y'all.  Kori, on the other hand, texted back,  "so far so good, 37 minutes in". She has the same humor as you do--God love her! I haven't talked to her on the phone, but she texted and said she could not get out of bed and is so depressed. She said she did not realize that these days and the month of March was going to be so hard. I want to go to Lake Jackson to visit but we just can't come up with a weekend that works.

Tonight was another great gift from God. Because of meeting my new friends from church that have Cody now, they invited me to their Community Group tonight. It is on the other side of Hwy 95 close to the lake area. There are some areas of Bastrop that when I see it for the first time, I think how did I not know this was here. This was one of those areas. All the couples are way younger than me and have young kids. Except for John and Alex, they have Carly who is 12 and she keeps the small kids and babies occupied while we are meeting. You would be so excited to know that Jason, the drummer at church, and his family are part of this group. I told Jason that you thought he was like a rock star because you were so impressed with him knowing and singing every single word of every song the worship team placed. I also told him that you could not wait to tell me that you ran into him one afternoon at the Exxon and got to introduce yourself. I laugh when I think of that day because you thought ya'll were going to be best friends. I wished ya'll would have been. We stood around the kitchen island and ate snacks which gave me an opportunity to get to know all of them. Then we just casually sat around the living room and discussed John 6 21:59 which is what Cody's sermon was on Sunday. I didn't make it to church on Sunday. I really think I'm a better fit with this group then I was with the last one. It's just more relaxed.

So I though I was taking care of not being home alone that night to just sit, think, drink, smoke, and cry. Until I got home then, I did all of those things. I miss you my love! I hate that you are not on this earth with me again, but I am so happy that you are no longer in pain and full of bitterness and unforgiveness. Thank you Jesus for telling me that day to write down all of the versus that I could find in the bible that have to do with forgiveness and telling Ralph to read them and he did! Praise the Lord, so when you took him, he had done what he needed to do and forgiven his sister and father of their selfishness, dishonesty, disrepect and  unfaithful acts as  Christians!

Good night I love you! My prayer tonight is to make me stronger in his eyes and his Word and to get me through another 365 days, one day at a time.