March 11, 2019 - Day 364

Hi Honey, It is one year ago this date that your soul left us and went to be with The Father, Our Lord and Savior. Of course I didn't know you were gone at the time, because I was still at mom and dad's house taking car of  her while Paula and Jerry were with dad at the hospital. However, I felt in my heart that something was very wrong because the last time I talked to you which was at midnight when you called to tell me goodnight. We didn't talk all day Sunday (March 11, 2018), because you never answered my calls or called me back and that is very rare. Although not unusual because sometimes when I'm out of town, we could go a day or 2 without talking, but at least we played phone tag that kept me from worrying. This time I worried all day.

I woke up, and as I do every morning before I get out of bed, I prayed for strength to get up and go to work and for Jesus to hold my hand all day because my heart hurts all day. I prayed extra this morning that he would make today a good day and not a sad day and fill my thoughts with all the good memories of you and not just this one memory of this day that you went to Heaven.

I did get up out of bed and did my normal routine and made it to work. It was a very busy day which is always good because the day goes by faster and my mind doesn't sit idle thinking about you constantly.

John texted about 1:00 p.m. and said they were on their way to pick up Cody! I had left a bag of dog food, food and water bowls, toys, treats, leash, flea/tick/heart worm medicine, blanket and pillow all inside his crate in the garage. John said he had to lift him up to get in the car. Cody, has not learned yet how to jump up into the car. Remember, before Jack got that dang arthritis, he could jump like nobody's business into the back of the pickup?

When I got home, it was a little sad that he wasn't waiting on the porch for me. I still hate driving down our driveway and I don't see you sitting in your chair waiting for me to drive up! It still slips my mind that you won't be there when I get home. But for Cody, I did not miss him jumping up on me while I'm trying to get out of the car and to get the door unlocked to the house. Carley sent me some pictures of Cody and that's when I knew I had done the right thing for Cody. I could see in his little face how happy he is. He has a new home and family that love him as much as I do, but now he will have so much attention on him he won't be begging for it anymore. It made my Monday Great!

I was only at home for 15 minutes then I had to go to my Griefshare class. I especially did not want to miss it tonight and I sure didn't want to be home alone. Griefshare always helps me, every Monday, but I knew I would need it tonight. I even told them what today was and I didn't even cry. When I don't cry it does not mean I don't miss you. I miss you every second every day. But Griefshare is helping me to understand that it's God's Plan! Not mine or yours and he knew the day and minute you would die on the day you were born. You were always his and only on loan to us. There is nothing I could have done to change the outcome. I am learning to accept this and it would be selfish of me to want you back here with me because I miss you, when you are living in Paradise with no pain and no bitterness and no hatred and back with your mom, dad, Patty, Mavis and grandmother and all that have gone before and after you. I know you are happy now but I only wish you would have been happy your last years here with us. It was hard watching you be so sad and bitter and in emotional pain.